is it morally okay to pray that your crush’s relationship doesn’t work out
no stop bein a salty asshole
when your friend makes a thirsty comment
my kid: whats for dinner
me: THIS FAT ASSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: *does split on the kitchen table*
"No matter how bad you fuck up at work, you didn’t fucked up this bad"
White people in scary movies be like…
where are the lies
i’m on a seafood diet. i only eat seafood
that’s not how the joke goes lmao
do my weight loss goals seem like a fucking joke to you
I made an old lady blush today at work because she ordered two senior coffees and I said “SENIOR ? I’m sorry miss, i’m going to have to ask to see some ID.” and she covered her mouth and went “Oh dear me” and couldn’t stop smiling